Feeling others emotions can be exhausting. Have you ever walked into a room feeling happy, and left emotionally drained? You may be a highly sensitive person (HSP) like I am. Being an HSP has it’s benefits, but it can make social gatherings (no matter how small) very challenging. When you feel deeply, you connect easily with others, but often take on their emotions as your own. Here is how I protect myself from taking on more than I need too.
What is an Highly Sensitive Person?
Health.com has an excellent article by Sarah Schuster entitled: What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person? I highly recommend reading the entire article, as it’s very enlightening. Here are some quotes from her article to set the frame work for our discussion.
“People with SPS have increased sensitivity to sensory information in their environment, making them more aware of stimuli (or, things that stimulate or trigger your senses) such as sound, movement, and the emotions of others.”
“Those who are highly sensitive tend to be more attuned to the emotions of others, have high levels of empathy, and deeply appreciate art and beauty. “
Sarah Schuster also points out that HSP is a trait, not a disorder. So there is no need to panic if you are an HSP. It is a lot more common than you think, as it’s believed that more that 20% of the population are HSP’s.
Here are some traits of HSPs from Sarah Schuster’s article:
Depth of processing: HSPs don’t just notice more, they actually process information more deeply. This includes experiencing high levels of empathy, intense feelings for others, an active imagination or inner world, and profound thoughtfulness.
Overstimulation: Oftentimes, this extra and deeper processing can easily lead to overstimulation. HSPs show stronger arousal in daily situations, which may cause them to become stressed and overwhelmed more frequently.
Emotional intensity: HSPs experience a larger spectrum of emotional intensity, meaning they have more intense negative and positive emotions. They may feel higher highs and lower lows.
Sensory sensitivity: It’s common for HSPs to have a lower tolerance for high levels of sensory input. This includes having a low pain threshold, but also the ability to notice subtle differences in their environment.
Feeling Others Emotions Benefits:
First of all, feeling others emotions is not a bad thing. It makes you connect deeply with others, understanding their needs better than they do. This is a great gift for counsellors, coaches, teachers, care givers of all ages, actors, artists, and musicians. If you find that your friends frequently come to you for advice, than this is probably why. You are most likely very easy to talk to, and help people feel heard.
This is an incredibly important gift in this crazy, self obsessed world we live in today. We need more people that are good at listening, not just talking. Taking on others emotions doesn’t mean we are co-dependant on others, it simply means we have a highly developed ability for connecting with and feeling emotions. This also means we tend to want to help them be “happy” again and fix all their problems, which is not our job. Knowing where to draw the line in our connection is essential for our own wellbeing.
Draw Backs To Feeling Others Emotions:
Not having a boundary for where you and they exist is what makes being an HSP so challenging. The result is that you unwittingly take on whatever emotional state they are in, and stay there long after they have left it. For me, watching movies of any kind can leave me up at night re-living and working through the emotions of the characters. Horror movies, and intense psychological thrillers are a complete no go, as the emotions are just way too much for me.
My connection to others emotions have always been there; I even attach emotions to inanimate objects like dolls, toys and furniture. As an adult I’ve had to be very conscious of detaching from this tendency. I’m not a hoarder by any means, but any gift I’ve ever received has an emotional attachment to the giver or the circumstance in which it was given. Letting go of my children’s outgrown toys and clothes has been quite the battle! The good news is that it can be done with the right tools.
Tips For Managing Others Emotions:
- Recognize it’s happening.
- Recognize they are not yours to keep.
- Draw a line.
- Help where you can.
- Decide to let them go.
Recognize It’s Happening.
First of all we need to recognize that we’re taking on others emotions. Take note of how you feel when you enter a room. When you feel your emotions changing negatively, stop and take note. Ask yourself why you are feeling that way? What were you talking about? What caused the shift? Once you recognize that it’s happening, you can then put your defence mechanisms in place. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds! It just means you start talking your brain out of the spiral.
You do this with affirmations you have made in advance for just this situation. Here are some examples.
- Oh, I’m taking on someone else’s emotions again. It’s ok brain everything is ok and I don’t need to do this.
- Their emotions are theirs, they are not mine, and I don’t need to feel their emotions in order to help them.
- Those emotions are not mine, and I will not allow them to effect me anymore.
- I love how sensitive I am, but I am protecting myself now by letting them go.
- I will not take on anyone else’s emotions today, I am awesome!
You may need to say the affirmations over and over, but the more you say them the more you will believe them. Writing them out before you go to bed at night will help cement them in your subconscious. This will help train you brain to not take on other’s emotions even faster
Recognize That They Aren’t Yours To Keep!
These emotions belong to someone else, and they are not yours to keep! As HSP’s we tend to hold onto emotions longer than anyone else does, no matter if they are our emotions or someone else’s. If you find yourself saying, “I feel so bad for Bob….” then you know exactly what I mean! You may also find yourself still upset by what your spouse experienced at work, while they are laughing at the sitcom you are watching. They got over it long ago, yet you are still mulling the conversation over trying to figure out how to help them.
This is normal territory for HSP’s. I want to emphasize that wanting to help people is a really great gift. The issue for most HSP’s is that we do more than just listen and sympathize, we take on their emotions and stress levels too. For most people, just having someone to listen to them is all they need. They don’t need or want you to solve their problem, let alone take their emotions onto yourself. By realizing that the emotions are not yours to keep, it will be easier to let them go.
My mom has a great phrase, “Not my monkeys, not my zoo.” With that simple phrase she lets go of anything that she is not responsible for. Give it a try. Not only does it help me, but it also makes me smile! Anything you find humorous and/or makes you smile will help break the negative emotion cycle. So find a quick and funny phrase that will help you realize that it’s not yours to keep. It will pull you out of your emotional overload quicker than you think!
Draw A Line.
Having a big heart will attract people to you, some good and some bad. Some people are emotional energy vampires, and will suck you dry if you let them. So don’t let them! If you recognize that some people leave you more drained than others, limit your time with them or the topics you will discuss. If you don’t agree politically, make it clear that’s a topic that is off limits. You can also decide how much time you will spend talking with them.
When you are done talking, consciously reset your brain by going for a walk, doing jumping jacks, or telling jokes. That should set your own emotions on a more positive track. Most importantly, tell yourself that you are not going to take on their emotions. As Taylor Swift loves to say, “Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, I shake it off, I shake it off!”
Help Where You Can.
With our high capacity for emotional connectivity, HSP’s tend to gravitate to the care giving fields. Don’t avoid this part of yourself. It’s important to do things that make us feel needed and of value to others. So help wherever you can, whenever you can. Just make sure you are protecting your own well being. If you are a coach or counsellor, don’t book your clients back to back. Give yourself 15 minutes to go for a walk, stretch, or sing. Anything that helps you release the emotions of the last client and recentre yourself.
Remember that you can’t help others when your cup is empty. Make sure you are doing what you need to do to stay as emotionally stable as you can. You can be a sounding board, without absorbing all the noise. Just by saying, “Nope, not mine!” you can send it out of your body and mind before it gets a chance to bring you down.
Decide To Let Them Go!
I hated that Frozen song, “LET IT GO!” when it first came out. One reason was that you couldn’t get away from it on every radio station or kids party. The other reason was that there were things I didn’t think I could let go of. I thought my tendency for emotional overload was just a part of me I had to live with, and there was nothing that could be done. When I started studying the power of the subconscious mind, and positive mindsets, I realized I was wrong.
Our minds are a lot more powerful than we give them credit for! God is an awesome creator, and He created all of us! He created us with bodies that can heal us over night, and powerful imaginations. Our subconscious can’t tell the difference between truth and lies. So whatever we tell ourselves over and over, our subconscious will believe and start creating in our daily lives.
This means we can actually just “Let It Go!” We can escort thoughts we don’t like out of our minds. Since thoughts and emotions go hand in hand, we can escort negative or unwanted emotions out of our mind too! So whether you want to “Let It Go,” or “Shake It Off,” it’s up to you! When you feel negative emotions creeping in, tell them they are not wanted or needed anymore and they can go. Do it enough, and those thoughts will stop showing up. I mean, come on, no one wants to stick around where they’re not wanted!
In Conclusion:
Feeling others emotions can be a really great asset, but it can bring you down if you let it. The great news is that you don’t have to let it! You have the power to allow those emotions to stay, or usher them out of your body. Moving your body, singing, or just telling them to go, are all great ways to get those emotions to move along. The bottom line is that your mind is the most powerful machine on earth, and you are in control of it! You can do whatever you want, when you decide to do it.
Try out these tools the next time you absorb the emotions of others, and let me know how they worked for you. If you would like help with these concepts, reach out to me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca, and I’d love to chat with you!
As a natural encourager, I live to help others!!! One-on-one coaching is a great way to start building your confidence, and improve your health! I help people with Fibromyalgia and chronic illness manage their symptoms with ease, so they never feel held back again! Click here for an application form and I would be happy to help you in your journey. Subscribe to my weekly newsletter by clicking here. You can also contact me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca or check out my website: www.nopainallgain.ca
