Forgiveness and your health are intricately connected. Holding onto old grievances leads to depression, anxiety, and compounds chronic illness. Learning how to forgive can be the tool that helps you break through the wall that’s holding you back! Whether you need to forgive others, or be forgiven yourself, it’s an incredibly important step for all of us. Here are my top 5 reasons that forgiveness is so important and how you can take back your life by forgiving others.
Top 5 Reasons To Forgive:
- Allows you to release the pain.
- Helps you interact with them again cordially.
- Grants you peace.
- Allows you to focus on the good in life again.
- Gives you your power and confidence back!
So what is Forgiveness?
The Oxford Language Defines forgiveness as: the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
The Greater Goodness Magazine article by Fred Luskin entitled “What Is Forgiveness?”, provides this perspective: “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”
Sandra Bullock on The Kelly Clarkson Show: “Not everyone that hurts you cares. Someone said, forgiveness lets you off the hook. Why would you carry that with you, if the person doesn’t care. Why are you tainting and infecting all the amazing moments that could happen in your life with someone that doesn’t care how they hurt you.”
So from these examples, Forgiveness is about releasing the emotions and hurt that the situation brought about. This is obviously easier said than done, so lets look a bit deeper into how we can do this in a practical way.
How Do We forgive?
I love this 3 Step Method from Father Mike Schmitz, that I just recently discovered.
- Recognize that there is something to forgive.
- What has this person’s action cost me?
- Here is what you owe me, I release you from your debt.
So let’s break this down a bit further. Firstly, we need to recognize that there is something that needs to be forgiven. So yes, write down what the comment or situation was. List out how you were hurt, and all the feelings associated with it.
Secondly, we need to look at what that action cost us. Was it humiliation, opening an old wound, a chip at our confidence, income, or physical harm? Write down everything that it has cost you, and everything that comes to mind counts. Tally it all up and what it would take to have justice from what they have done to you.
Thirdly, we now take a look at what it has cost and say, “This is what you owe me, I release you from your debt.” Take a moment to let that thought set in. It doesn’t matter whether you have the opportunity to say this to them personally, audibly to yourself, or just on paper; as long as you do it. It’s releasing them from their debt in your mind and soul that matters. Once you have released them from their debt, you are releasing yourself from having to think about it anymore. That is the huge win in this 3 Step Method. you are doing exactly what Sandra Bullock mentioned, you are not “carrying it with you” anymore. You are allowing yourself to live your life without being tainted by their actions; and that’s the most freeing thing in the world!!!
Forgiveness And Your Health
Whether we realize it or not, forgiveness and our health are interwoven together. I’m sure we have all experienced the feeling of wanting to avoid someone after an altercation has happened. I know I have! I still get palpitations when I think of certain individuals or their name comes up in conversations. So obviously, I still have lots of work to do on this subject. It’s also the reason I felt the need to discuss this today. I have avoided attending events that this individual would be at, so consequently I’ve allowed this individual to affect how I live my life.
This brings up a very important point that I must make. Forgiveness is not about forgetting. If you forget, you will allow the same hurt to happen to you over and over again. You don’t need to forget the incident, but you need to forgive so it doesn’t continue to hurt you. I want to point out that this aversion to the individual is not because I haven’t forgiven them, it’s for self preservation so they don’t have the opportunity to hurt me again. You see, I have had to forgive them over and over again, so avoiding them is my only option to protect myself. As a Christian this is my duty. The Bible Says, “In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?”. Jesus responds, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times”.
So yes I have to forgive, but I do not need to forget or allow them to hurt me over and over. Check out more of Father Mike Schmitz’s YouTube videos to learn more on this topic.
Forgiveness Helps You Release The Pain
By releasing the pain you can move forward with your life. There have been many studies to see if holding onto emotional pain causes physical pain to appear in your body. While the jury is still out on this theory, holding onto emotional pain does worsen depression and anxiety. When you think on the incident over and over, that thought creates a deeper grove in your neuropathways. This makes the thought stronger and stronger, so it pops up more often. This causes your mind to view this person as threat to you, so you automatically want to avoid them to protect yourself.
Your mind will also want to come up with future conversation responses incase this happens again. These “future conversations” or scenarios rarely happen, but do take up a lot of valuable real estate in your mind. Forgiving them is the best option, so your mind isn’t fixated on the issue and can focus on things that really matter, like your job and family. This will also lessen your depression and anxiety as you focus on the things you are grateful for and the amazing future God has planned for you!
Interacting With Them Cordially Again.
Being able to interact with them cordially again, will help you rebuild your social confidence and get you out of the house again. When you live in a smaller town as I do, the chance of running into those who hurt you grows exponentially. There was a time where my anxiety over meeting up with them would keep me at home. By asking God to help me forgive them, leaving the house became so much easier. With my depression and anxiety now under control, I have been able to focus my mental and physical energy on helping others recover from chronic illness as well.
Forgiveness Gives You Peace.
Let’s face it, when you are at odds with someone your peace is gone. If I know I’ve done something wrong, (and for me there’s nothing worse) and even though I say I’m sorry, it’s the not knowing if they’ve forgiven me that haunts me. I’ll go through the event over and over until I finally have to audibly tell the thoughts to GO! As a Canadian, it’s in our DNA to apologize profusely for everything, even when it’s not our fault. I am getting better at this though. Now I apologize sincerely once, and hope they will forgive me eventually.
So think about when you were the one at fault, and how awful that felt for you, and grant that grace to the one that hurt you. Just as Sandra Bullock said, there will be those that don’t care if they hurt you and will never apologize. That’s when you need to forgive them in a letter, or verbally to yourself over and over until you believe it. When the incident comes to mind, say their name out loud and say “John, I forgive you.” It may take a million repetitions, but eventually your subconscious mind will believe it too. Then the thought will stop resurfacing, and you can truly move on.
The peace you feel when someone forgives you can be yours when you chose to forgive someone else; whether they want to be forgiven or not! Remember forgiving is more for your benefit then theirs.
Forgiveness Allows You To Focus On The Good!
Sometimes we love to wallow in our hurt and pain. It’s ok to feel your pain, as long as you put a time limit on it and then be willing to move on. Forgiveness is the key to being able to move on. Once you do, you can use your valuable mental real estate to write your next book, run that marathon, or dazzle your employers or teachers! That’s why writing down daily gratitudes is so essential to a positive and productive mindset.
You will now be able to focus on the good and awesome things God has given you in your life. Like the ability to choose. The freedom to choose is such a valuable thing, and the last few years in Canada has really emphasized that fact! The freedom to choose is not limited to recognizing God, but also in your spouse, your job, your hobbies, and what you allow in your mind. So be careful what you allow in your mind, and how long it’s allowed to stay there. Thoughts are just ideas, they only get to stay if you decide they can. So make sure to choose wisely, and focus on the good!
Forgiveness Gives You Your Power back!
I can’t stress enough how much power forgiveness gives you. When you forgive others, they no longer have any power over you. This reminds me of the powerful end scene in Labyrinth when Sarah announces to Jareth the Goblin King, “You Have No Power Over Me!” That is what you are saying to the person you forgive.
This in itself is a good enough reason for me to forgive others (not because they deserve it), but just for the satisfaction of taking back my power! When we think about it, satan is the one who is really behind the altercation in the first place. It’s funny to me how much glee I feel in the thought that I’m disappointing satan. Don’t allow satan or his unwitting accomplice to have any more power in your life. Forgive them, and start enjoying your life again!
In conclusion:
Forgiveness is sometimes easier said than done, but it’s so essential to your health that it’s worth the effort. By choosing to forgive, you can ease your depression, anxiety, and symptoms of chronic illness. It is well worth the effort you spend to forgive those that have hurt you. Even if it’s just for the satisfaction of not letting them have power over you anymore, it’s worth it. Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget, or allow them access to you so they can hurt you again. It means you no longer carry the weight of their debt to you. Forgive them of their debt, so you can enjoy your life again!
If you would like help with forgiveness, please reach out to me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca, and I’ll be happy to help you!
As a natural encourager, I live to help others!!! One-on-one coaching is a great way to start building your confidence, and improve your health! I help people with Fibromyalgia and chronic illness manage their symptoms with ease, so they never feel held back again! Click here for an application form and I would be happy to help you in your journey. You can also contact me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca or check out my website: www.nopainallgain.ca
