Managing grief can be one of the greatest challenges we have to go through as humans. No one wants to say goodbye to those we love most. Whether your relationship was in good standing or not when your loved ones die, learning to live without them requires time, and a shift in our mindset before we can be ok again. The length of this process lies in the tools we have to deal with it, and how willing we are to use them. Here are some ways to process our grief, whether it be from death, physical separation, or unexpected life changes.
What is grief?
According to the American Psychological Association definition of Grief that was adapted from the APA Dictionary of Psychology:
Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.
Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts.
Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.
Grief can take many forms, but it’s important to recognize that grief is a normal human reaction to loss in any form. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to process our grief. When our minds don’t know how to process trauma and grief, it can turn into PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a topic for another article, so stay tuned for that at a future date. Today’s article will focus on understanding grief and practical healthy ways to process our grief.
What Are The Stages Of Grief?
According to a great article called The Stages Of Grief And What To Expect by Kimberly Holland there are two different format that can be considered.
The Kübler-Ross’s five stages include:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
The seven stages of grief are another popular model for explaining the many complicated experiences of loss. These seven stages include:
- Acceptance and hope: This is a very gradual acceptance of the new way of life and a feeling of possibility for the future.
- Shock and denial: This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
- Pain and guilt: You may feel that the loss is unbearable and that you’re making other people’s lives harder because of your feelings and needs.
- Anger and bargaining: You may lash out, telling God or a higher power that you’ll do anything they ask if they’ll only grant you relief from these feelings or this situation.
- Depression: This may be a period of isolation and loneliness during which you process and reflect on the loss.
- The upward turn: At this point, the stages of grief, like anger and pain, have died down, and you’re left in a more calm and relaxed state.
- Reconstruction and working through: You can begin to put pieces of your life back together and move forward.
The important thing to recognize in whichever grief stages model resonates with you the most, there is no set order that these may appear for you. You also may not experience every one of those stages either. Grief is a highly personal process, and as long as you are not hurting yourself or others, there is no perfect way to do it.
Managing Grief Practical Tips:
These are in no particular order, so mix and match as needed!
- Allow yourself to grieve.
- Show yourself grace when grief pops up out of nowhere.
- Acknowledge that grief is normal.
- Be willing to talk through your grief with others.
- Journal about your thoughts or feelings.
- Create a list of positive memories of that person.
- Forgive them and yourself for any unresolved issues.
- Accept that death is a part of life.
- Children need to hear the truth; no matter how many times they ask.
- Cling to your faith in God.
Allowing Yourself to Grieve.
Different cultures have different ways to grieve. Some have elaborate traditional processes that must be followed, while in others you are expected to show “a stiff upper lip” and bury your emotions. Burying your emotions is not a healthy way of processing grief. This will lead to inappropriate outbursts, and even damage to your own health. Whether you need to scream and cry from a mountain top, or while you are doing dishes on a rainy afternoon, just do what you need to do. Death may be part of life, but that doesn’t mean it’s fair.
Do what helps you process your emotions of grief. That may be going through pictures or home movies, writing a song, writing a book, painting a picture, creating a sculpture, dedicating a park bench or memorial for them. You can also visit all the places you enjoyed together before. You are not being weak for feeling powerful emotions about someone who has passed. It also doesn’t make it any easier whether you knew about it in advance, or if it was sudden. Both hurt just as much. Thinking of a way to honour them can go a long way to helping you process your grief.
Show Yourself Grace.
Showing yourself grace as you journey through the grieving process is the best thing you can do for yourself. We have all experienced the embarrassment of unexpected tears at work, school, or in the grocery store after a loved one has passed. It’s OK. Let the tears fall, don’t worry about the effect it may have on those around you. This is a natural and healthy way to grieve. It means you were blessed enough to love someone else in this world. Getting down on yourself will only make you feel worse. This may also be an excellent opportunity to share happy stories about your loved one, or hugs with those around you.
Acknowledge That Grief is Normal.
Grief hurts, but it is normal. If you don’t allow yourself to process your grief, it will manifest itself in other more detrimental ways. For some it can be lashing out in violent, or dangerous behaviours. It can also lead to severe depression, and suicide. When someone tells you they are sad, ask them why and help them work through the thoughts and feelings they are experiencing. There is no need to feel shame or guilt while you are grieving. Your relationship with that person or situation will be different than anyone else’s.
Allow yourself to take time off from work, school or regular responsibilities while you are adjusting. Know that there is nothing wrong with you no matter how long it takes. My father passed away in 2002 from cancer, and I still get thoughts about him out of the blue. Sometimes they are positive memories, sometimes they are shaded in sadness. Both are perfectly normal, and accepting that will help you move through them in peace.
Be Willing To Talk Through Your Grief.
Depending on your upbringing, this may be hard for you. Some cultures just don’t want to talk about death, despite it being the best way to move through your grief. Talking with others, whether they knew the person or not, can be very therapeutic. Talking about good memories about the person can bring a peace and happiness you thought you’d never have again. Even discussing unhappy memories can help you process through grief. Perhaps your friend can provide a new perspective to the situation you weren’t aware of or hadn’t thought about.
Talking through any issue or emotion you are having can be so helpful. Just putting it out there, instead of keeping it inside, automatically releases the hold it has on you. You can look at it more objectively and see if the thoughts you are having about it are true or not. Having a sounding board you can bounce ideas off is invaluable, so be brave and be willing to talk through your grief.
Journaling About Your Thoughts Or Feelings.
This goes hand in hand with talking about your grief. If you aren’t comfortable talking to someone else about your grief, journaling is another option that’s just as powerful! Journaling allows you to brain dump all your thoughts and feelings on paper, and you can do it whenever you have the chance. You can write it down on paper, dictate it into your phone, or type it into your phone or computer. Whichever way you choose, getting thoughts and emotions out of your brain and onto a readable surface is essential.
By getting them out of your brain, you make space for other more helpful thoughts. You can also analyze them once they are on paper. You can reframe ones that aren’t helpful, and completely delete the ones that aren’t even true. Replacing negative thoughts with more positive memories can be a great way to release unresolved issues with the one who has died. It also allows you to forgive yourself, and be at peace with their passing.
Creating A List Of Positive Memories.
Creating a list of positive memories is something you can do with others or by yourself. Having a gathering with family and friends to discuss your best memories can be a wonderful time for bonding and releasing your pain. This list will be super helpful when sadness overwhelms you out of the blue. You will then be able to replace the negative memories or thoughts with one of your good memories. Being able to turn tears to laughter will be very cathartic as well.
Once your loved one has gone, there is no way to go back and change the negative thoughts or memories. Why not decide to focus on the good times you had, it will help you find peace with their passing sooner.
Forgiving Them and Yourself.
Often when our loved ones die, we feel a sense of guilt. Guilt for not being there when they died, not visiting enough, not calling enough, not getting them the care they needed sooner. The list goes on and on. You don’t need to feel guilt when your loved one dies. You are human and so are they. None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. Some mistakes are more damaging than others to be sure, but forgive them for being human. Then forgive yourself. Life is busy, and since we can’t clone ourselves we can’t be everywhere at once. Accept that you did your best, and let go of the guilt.
In life we don’t want the ones we love to suffer, so you can be sure they wouldn’t have wanted for you to be suffering now. So decide to forgive them for any unresolved issues, and forgive yourself so you can find joy in life again.
Accept That Death Is Part Of Life.
Say this with me: Death is part of life. This may not be a popular thing to say, but the one thing you can be assured of after your born is that you will die. Medicine has come a long way in prolonging life, but despite what Hollywood is selling, there is a point where there is nothing more that medicine can do. Our bodies are an incredible gift from God, but our bodies have limitations. You can have all the money in the world, and access to the best doctors, but you will not live forever. This means that we need to accept that we did everything we could when our loved ones die.
The best way to deal with this is to have plans put in place ahead of time that everyone is familiar with. Of course in the case of children, or freak accidents this may not be possible. Once we are adults however it’s important for our loved ones to know what our last wishes are. This can include everything from DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) orders if we are terminally ill, to funeral arrangements and everything in between. Having a list of passwords, keys to lock boxes, and a legalized will can also really help those trying to manage grief when we’re gone.
Managing Grief for Children.
Protecting my children from anything or anyone that would hurt them has been a very Mama Bear reflex for me. Although it’s a very natural and strong response, it’s not the best strategy when helping children through their grief. Children have imaginations that rival most adults, so if we don’t tell them the truth they will create what they think the truth is. In most cases the truth is much calmer than what their imaginations have conjured up! This means allowing them to visit an ailing relative, see them in the casket, be part of the discussions about the death, and answering all their questions honestly.
Leaving them out can make them feel unimportant, or a lesser member of the family. Allowing them to see the adults crying shows them that emotions are not a bad thing. It’s how we process and deal with the emotions that are important. No matter how many questions they ask, answer them with the same truths. Julia Samuel MBE and grief counsellor recommends not using the word “loss” when referring to death. Loss suggests that you will be able to find it again. Using words like death, died, or passed are preferred, as they are more to the point. Be ready for their questions, and answer them honestly to the best of your ability.
Cling To Your Faith In God.
This of course only applies to those that do believe in God, but I wouldn’t have gotten through my father’s death without it. We had almost a year of knowing that my Dad’s cancer was terminal. At the time I was still living at home, so I was able to help with his care. He died in May of 2002, so I wasn’t looking forward to father’s day that June.
It was during the Father’s Day Church service that I had my major breakthrough. It was when I realized that even though my earthly father was gone, my Heavenly Father would always be there for me. My eyes are teary as I type this at the thought. That changed everything. I knew my father was in a better place, and wasn’t suffering anymore. Knowing my Heavenly Father (God) would always take care of me, allowed me to come out of that service with a peace beyond understanding.
As Christians, we know that when Jesus comes again He will raise those that died believing in Him from their graves. Jesus will also take all of us that believe in Him that are still alive to heaven with Him. That means that I know I will see my loved ones again; especially my father, grandparents, and many other family members and friends. It will be a glorious time that I really look forward to! I honestly don’t know how non Christians get through tragedies in their lives without God. Knowing that God is on my side and will see me through the trials of life keeps me going. So cling to your faith, and know that you will see your loved ones again.
In Conclusion.
Grief is a normal, natural, human process to deal with incredible loss. Knowing how to navigate it in a healthy way will help you manage it better. By showing yourself grace, allowing yourself to grieve, talking it out, journaling about it, and allowing the positive memories to outshine the negative ones, you will get back on track again.
Clinging to my faith in God has been the one tip that has been instrumental in managing my grief. I highly recommend developing your relationship with God and Jesus. They are the only ones who will never leave you or betray you. They will be your rock, when everything else is up in the air. If you would like more information about managing grief, please contact me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca.
Suggested Resources on the Topic of Grief:
- Shawn Boonstra – How Faith Guides Us through Loss and Grief: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfYjrAwa-M4
- Peace Is An Inside Job Bible Studies: voiceofprophecy.com
- Kurt Johnson: When Heaven Pauses: https://itiswrittencanada.ca/product/when-heaven-pauses/
- Grief with Julia Samuel MBE – Health Hackers.org: https://healthhackers.org/episode-list/julia-samuel-dealing-with-grief
- Julia Samuel MBE – Grief Works: https://a.co/d/6HuKj61
Get your Free copy of my Tips For Managing Grief guide today!
As a natural encourager, I live to help others!!! One-on-one coaching is a great way to start building your confidence, and improve your health! I help people with Fibromyalgia and chronic illness manage their symptoms with ease, so they never feel held back again! Click here for an application form and I would be happy to help you in your journey. You can also contact me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca or check out my website: www.nopainallgain.ca
