Saying no is something that comes very easily when we are toddlers, but gets harder as we grow up. It’s this inability to say no, that leads to us over scheduling and overdoing things in order to impress others and get ahead. This also leads to not taking care of ourselves, and leads to chronic illness and sometimes even Fibromyalgia. Here is why it’s so important to learn to say no again, and be ok with it.
Why don’t we say no?
Why do we have such a hard time saying no when we need to? It usually comes down to not wanting to disappoint those around us. We want to keep our parents, partners, kids, friends, and employers happy, so even when we’re scheduled to the max we don’t want to say no. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to get over disappointing others. This is easier said than done, but in the end we can’t serve others if we are exhausted.
We also live in a society that teaches us that it’s not nice to say no. There is an undercurrent of being obligated to say yes to everything that’s asked of you. This is simply not reasonable. I’m all for helping people, being kind, and doing what you can for others. What I’m advocating for here is balance between what you want to do, and what you can actually do. Just because you want to do something doesn’t mean you have the physical ability or time in your schedule to do it.
How to be ok with saying no?
This is a really good question! How do you say no without feeling guilty? You do this by accepting that’s it’s ok to say no. This will be a whole new mindset shift for most people. We accept that it’s ok by deciding that it is. It’s ok for others to say no to us, so it’s ok to say it to others. There are lots of people that are more than willing to take advantage of people with a servants heart. They will just keep adding more to your list until you crumble under the weight.
Decide what you are and aren’t willing to do. You can make those decisions based on your current schedule, the ease of completing the request, and whether it’s reasonable or not. If you really want to do something, but don’t have time you can simply ask if you can complete it at a future date. You can also decide if you can shift something else you wanted to do to the future to make room. Either way, be ok with their disappointment, by accepting that you are human and you have every right to say no.
How do we start saying no?
Setting boundaries is a really important step to being able to meet your needs and the needs of others. Think about it, we set boundaries for our kids to keep them safe. It’s essential in our world of constant connectivity to do the same for ourselves. When we know we’re at our limit, it’s time to say no. This is something I’ve had to work very hard to implement in my life. I love helping others, but one thing Fibromyalgia has taught me is that I do have limits.
When I keep pushing to keep others happy, I take the chance of physically collapsing for days. This doesn’t serve anyone. I keep my schedule fairly fluid, so if i need to move an activity to a later date I will, but I also don’t take on more than I can handle. When something is asked of me, I let them know when I can actually complete it. If that’s ok with them, then I say yes. If it’s not ok with them, then I politely decline and recommend someone else who can.
I don’t worry if they are upset with me, because I’m the one who has to deal with the consequences. It’s like driving down the freeway. I don’t get upset if people pass me because I’m not driving at the speed they want to go. If they want to get a ticket for speeding, that’s their business. I know that they’re not going to pay for my speeding ticket if I drive as fast as they want me to. So why would I allow myself to be punished for something I know isn’t good for me?
How to say no kindly?
Some people are very good at manipulating you into getting their way. I think we’ve all had experiences with marketers that just aren’t willing to take no for an answer. I’m so thankful for the ability to “unsubscribe” when I come across people like that. Here are some answers that can help you say no kindly and not feel guilty:
- Thank you but no, that’s not a priority for us right now.
- Thank you but no, that’s not in our budget right now.
- Thank you but no, my schedule is full at the moment, but I may be able to help you with that in a month.
- Thank you but no, I wish you well with your project.
- Thank you but no, my workload is maxed at the moment, but Sally said she’d love to help.
You may have noticed that I started with saying “Thank you,” before saying no. This recognizes the honour of them thinking to ask you first, but then lets them down easier with why you can’t do it. As a Canadian I’m programmed to say “I’m sorry,” whenever I have to say no, but that’s not necessary. If you truly are sorry, then of course say it. If you’re not, preface your no with whatever feels comfortable for you.
In Conclusion:
It’s ok to say no for any reason. If you don’t want to do something, you don’t have to do it. You don’t need to feel guilty, and feeling guilty is your choice. We are in charge of how we feel, so if you feel bad about saying no, reframe your thoughts until you are ok with it. Remember that you said no for a reason, and those reasons are valid. Just because you weren’t able to help them this time doesn’t mean you won’t be able to in the future.
Stay true to yourself, so you can remain healthy and have a balanced life where you can continue to contribute to those around you. Burning yourself out doesn’t help anyone. Know where your limitations are, and be willing to stand up for them. In the long run, everyone will be happier that you did. If you need help setting boundaries and being ok with saying no, please reach out to me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca and I’ll be happy to help you.
As a natural encourager, I live to help others!!! One-on-one coaching is a great way to start building your confidence, and improve your health! I help people with Fibromyalgia and chronic illness manage their symptoms with ease, so they never feel held back again! Click here for an application form and I would be happy to help you in your journey. You can also contact me at andrea@nopainallgain.ca or check out my website: www.nopainallgain.ca
