What is friendship to you? Friendship means different things to different people, and there are many different categories of friends. A quick Google search describes categories of anywhere from 4 to 14 different kinds! I think I’ll stick to the simplest list of 4 types: Acquaintances, Casual friends, Close friends, and Intimate or lifelong friends. Although each category has different expectations attached to them, it’s important to be able to recognize the behaviour of a true friend, and one who is not.
Characteristics of a true friend:
- Loyalty
- Compassion
- Trust
- Support
- Respect
- Honesty
- Contact
Showing friendship through loyalty
To me loyalty is one of the most important parts of friendship. This means they will have your back whether you are together or not. When they find themselves at a gathering and the gossiping about you starts, they will stop it. They don’t allow anyone to put you down, and are often the ones that bring up your name when there is good news to share. You know that in a pinch, they will always be there for you no matter what.
Showing friendship through Compassion.
Compassion is another major building block of friendship. Without compassion, there really would not be a connection. You can’t truly understand what a friend is going through without it. It is that inner drive that compels you to help them whenever they need help. Compassion is what turns a casual friend into a close and even intimate friend. This is what deepens a friendship from frivolous banter, to true understanding.
Showing friendship through Trust.
Trust is a must have in all your relationships from acquaintance to intimate friend. Once trust has been broken, there often is nothing left for the friendship to be based on. Everyone has their own tolerance level for broken trust, but one thing is certain: it takes a long time for that trust to be rebuilt. This is something that needs to be considered in all relationships you enter into. Being trustworthy is never something you want to mess with. It will follow you wherever you go, so don’t break someone’s trust no matter the situation.
Showing friendship through Support.
Support is another characteristic that means different things to different people. It can be emotional, physical, financial, psychological, or spiritual. Supporting your friends, even if you don’t agree with what they stand for, is essential for being a good friend. Understanding their difference of opinion from yours, and being able to support them is the highest calling of a true friend. When your friend asks for support from you, are you willing to give it?
Are you willing to pick them up at 2am so they can have a safe ride home? Will you visit them in the hospital when they are alone? Will you vouch for them so they can keep their job? Are you willing to stand up for them against unjust bureaucratic decisions? If you are unwilling to do something as simple as these things, you cannot call yourself their friend.
Showing friendship through respect.
Respect and support go hand in hand. If you truly respect your friend and their decisions, you will support them. You will respect their food choices, the music they listen to, the spouse they choose, and other decisions as well. It doesn’t matter if you would make those choices yourself, you prove your friendship by respecting their right to have a different opinion. A true friend stands up for his friends in times of need, not just when everything is going well.
Showing friendship through honesty.
It goes without saying that honesty is the best policy. If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, there really isn’t a relationship. If you can’t be honest in a friendship, then it’s time to move on. No one likes being lied to. If you don’t feel you can be yourself and voice your opinions safely, then you are not in a healthy relationship. So don’t tell someone you support them, when you don’t. Be honest with yourself and them. If your relationship can’t withstand your honesty, then you weren’t really friends to begin with.
Showing friendship through contact.
If you don’t keep in contact with your friend, or if you are the only one that reaches out, then you need to question which circle that friend belongs in. The whole point of having friends is because you enjoy their company and want to spend time together. It doesn’t matter if that time is in person, or through phone calls or texts, it’s the drive to stay in touch that matters. While some friendships can last long periods of time without contact and still be fine, going a multiple years without any form of contact is not a good sign.
When past friends pop back into your life again, it’s up to you to decide if they get to come back into the same circle they were before. Consider why they are wanting back into your life and whether you have room for them to come back in. These statements may seem harsh, but all relationships have an ebb and flow. Sometimes it’s best to just let a friendship go, especially when they involve hurt and trauma.
What to do when you are betrayed by a friend.
There is nothing worse than finding out that someone you thought was a good friend, has betrayed you. When that happens we have the choice to forgive, or to move them down a notch in our circle of friends. Just because you’ve known them since childhood, doesn’t mean you have to continue to allow the betrayal or hurt.
But hey, doesn’t the Bible say that you have to forgive anyone who asks no matter how many times they ask? Yes, in Mathew 18:21-22 the Bible says:
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Mathew 18:21
So yes, we need to forgive anyone who asks, and even ones that don’t, but that doesn’t mean we have to let them hurt us again. They can be moved into or out of whatever friendship level you feel comfortable having them at. Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. When they have earned your trust back, it is up to you if they become a close friend again. If they were truly repentant when they asked for forgiveness, they won’t do the same thing to you again. Thus, you shouldn’t have to forgive them more than once.
Is this friendship worth saving?
This is a tough question, and only you can answer it. If you have been physically harmed by a friend, then I would say no. It’s probably best to move on before something more damaging happens. The same can be said for friends that have hurt you psychologically or emotionally. A lot of people will hold you hostage with emotional or psychological manipulation. As soon as you recognize any form of manipulation, it’s time to move on.
In conclusion
Having friends you can trust and will support you is the best thing on earth! Sometime however our deep seated need to have friends can blind us to what makes a good friend that’s worth cherishing. Make sure you can recognize what makes a good friend, and that you are being a good friend too. Don’t wait for others to reach out to you, make sure your friendship is balanced.
Be willing to have the hard conversations if you feel your friendship is not healthy. Also, don’t feel like you have to hang onto friendships that have clearly ended. When you feel used or abused in a relationship, it’s time to get counselling. Once you’ve had a chance to address the issues that concern you, then you can decide if the relationship can be salvaged. In the end, it’s your choice to be part of the friendship or not.
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